FALL ON YOUR KNEES

I am so humbled and grateful right now.  I met with a counselor in our Bishopric today. And as I sat, waiting for him, I felt at peace and HOME in our ward building, with the people I have found myself surrounded by.

And I feel SO blessed, and loved by My Heavenly Father and Brother, Jesus.

For 13 years, I held....CLUNG to things, ideas and people that held NO prospects for me. But I was terrified to let go.And now, I've. Let. Go.

And the miracles that have come from letting go Have. Been. AMAZING.

I'm NOT alone as feared. In fact, I'm less alone than I was before. 

This Christmas, as I have struggled with being without David, yet again for Christmas, people, and love have entered the scene.

I wright my story

I had a conversation with E the other day about premature babies...and babies in general, and winter. Which eventually led to the story of her winter birth. And the fact that Douglas (David's (at the time 10yr old) youngest brother) had been very sick right before. ....

We specifically made the request to his parents that Douglas not be allowed to hold her. And at a Family birthday party when Elizabeth was a week old, my Mil reached into my arms and ATTEMPTED to remove her from them.  I responded with SHOCK, and an "EXCUSE me?!?!"

She then ASKED to hold her. After I handed the baby over, she passed her to Douglas.

Elizabeth said something along the lines of, "You should have taken me and left." YES. That's exactly what I SHOULD have done. I said, "Well, I WANTED to bite her... But I DIDN'T"  Elizabeth: "You SHOULD have."

"Yes, and because I didn't, my mind BROKE."

BECAUSE I DIDN'T, MY MIND BROKE!!!!!

Because I had my God given instincts kick in, and for social etiquette, and the fear of being looked at as strange, I didn't listen..

But even my daughter has the wisdom to see how WRONG that situation was.

My nature is different

I know for a FACT that my nature is pure and clean.  I cannot STAND filth.  I cannot STAND grime. I know for a FACT that what my God expects of me and what others expect of me are two VERY different things. And that He is counting on that to make a difference.

And it A M A Z E S me how often people expect to take advantage of my personality.  On the surface, they ADMIT that they KNOW I'm tough, and not a pushover. But inside, they genuinely believe they can get the upper hand.  Many times, people get upset when they don't get their way with me because they genuinely expected to.  They honestly expected my softness (I know, right) to work in their favor..... AND, it TOTALLY doesn't.

But it's CONSISTENT.  My Children do it.  The children my children interact with do it.  MANY adults do it. (Fortunately, David no longer does it, and the people in my circle who do it are getting fewer and fewer as I eliminate the problem ones)

My Children believe they know exactly the right combination of words to bend my will. But they don't.

My In Laws (yes, inevitable that they will come up) SAY I'm mean, but have ALWAYS expected me to bend and accept THEIR will.  One of the reasons they're so unhappy with me is because I don't behave as expected.

And I'm getting SO MUCH BETTER at predicting and reading when someone is trying manipulate. And I'm sorry, it's just NOT going to happen.

Animals

My Husband and his family had a dog when we were dating , got married and began a family.

I was fine with him when we were dating and first married. However, once Elizabeth came, MANY things changed. Including my acceptance of and willingness to interact with him. And I was criticized for it.

And I can't tell you my exact issue.  I know it was germ/cootie based.  But as I've become aware of and comfortable with who I am, I believe, for me, it was a natural direction change.  As were many of  the things that changed once E was born.

That's how I've always worked. I just change course naturally when I feel the need.  I don't always make a real effort, because to me it feels natural. But I do always know when it happens.

It's a HUGE blessing for me.  It's how God guides me.  And it's how I follow.

SO, I averted away from the dog. I loved him still.  I think he knew that.  But I kept E away from him.  My in laws don't have the same cleanliness standards as I do.  And it echoed in their dogs grooming.... and the environment he existed in.

That's fine. To each his own.

And I had it shoved in my face.

Which just inspired further distancing.

And now, after time and adjusting, we have cats.  And I get to control their grooming based on my comfort level. And I'm okay with them.  And if anyone else is uncomfortable with the cleanliness level, they are welcome to not visit. But I will NEVER condemn them for their choice.  It is their's to make.

That is the background.  Now the application:

We have 5 chickens and 2 cats.  And I love them.  And I respect them.

And as I was taking care of the chickens, in a foot of snow today, I realized just how good they are for me and my family.

I do not know of cases where a person who works with, takes care of and truly RESPECTS animals, goes truly bad.

It's that building of a relationship.  The selflessness of taking care of them.... especially when it's inconvenient.  I think it especially comes from livestock and farm situations.

Having our chickens specifically has helped with my OCD IMMENSELY.

And I KNOW studies have shown over and over that animals help.  But having my earlier aversion SHOVED in my face wasn't helpful.  I had to work through my PTSD issues from years of mental abuse and come to that realization on my own before I could come to understand it's importance in my life.

And fortunately, my loving Father in Heaven gently guided us to a home with chickens and the ability to have land and animals.

I am SO grateful He gave me what I needed, and NOT what I THOUGHT I wanted