Balance

Balance. We WREAK of it. But the catch is:

 You have to around for the bad AND the good to see any balance. So those who are too weak to stick out the bad, will never see the good.....etc.

We have BAD moments. And we have GOOD moments. Sometimes one the next immediately. Sometimes it takes time but I will no more apologize for the bad than I will the good.

One problem many people have is that they FEAR darkness. FEAR anything uncomfortable. Let me promise you, if you cannot handle the Dark , true light is too bright for you. Don't embrace darkness. But acknowledge it exists.... IN YOU!!! EVERYONE has darkness in them. And hopefully you have at least as much light as you do dark.

My tattoo....that I will NEVER regret getting, has Libra's scales. And in one side is a freaking star to represent darkness, and in the other is a sun to represent light.

I have the immense ability to love. And the ability to kill a person. Both babe me a good mother. Because with that ability to love my children thoroughly, comes the ability to kill someone who threatens them.

This one's for me

We're having another baby girl. And this one's for me. And for the first time, there will be rules. NO picture sharing except by me. It's likely only certain people will even be notified when she comes. Her blessing will be invite only.

Awful? Yes. Necessary? Unfortunately.

But no one except David and I are entitled to her. And we're tired of sharing with people who don't value her.

It's not a matter of forgiveness

There are people who are constantly abusive in my life. They can tell when I'm fed up, and they give me a nibble so that I don't cut ties. And then they go back to their passive-aggressive leading and baiting.

I have a list 14 years long of their offenses seared in my head. NOT because I'm frail minded, but because if I don't, they'll be allowed to continue. And it breaks me every time they play their game.

I truly believe that THEY truly believe that they are pulling one over on me....or, they genuinely may be past the point of caring.

Either way, it's generational. Grandparents, parents, children....even many of the spouses the children have picked ALL do it.

They have me pegged wrong. I'm not their toy.

And I'm not cut from the same cloth.

They don't have to say their sorry to gain forgiveness, but continuing to cut the same hole doesn't ever let it heal.

I'm a "Chicken Person"

If you haven't seen The Meddler, see it!!!!

The main male character says he's a "Chicken Person.... like some people are cat or dog people, He's a Chicken Person."

And who would've guessed.  I am too.

And I. LOVE. OUR. CHICKENS.

Our Orpingtons are gorgeous, funny birds.  One of them came with a tag on her from her previous owner. And I noticed yesterday that it was cutting into her leg.  We decided to cut it off.  And in the process, it cut into her :-(  Chickens can be terrible to eachother.  And a bleeding limb can be disasterous.  So, when it bled, we doctored it.  It now has neosporin and a Minions bandaid on it so it can heal with out being exacerbated.

And she's so funny hopping around the yard with her bandaid on.  It hasn't been bothered with it or anything. <3

Then, One of our younger Chickens was being chased by the bigger ones.  And she FLEW.  Not jumped, FLEW out of the chicken run into the playhouse in our backyard.

Blogging It's my new FB ;-)

Facebook Frustrates me. 400 people are on my "Friends" List.  50 People care about my life.  But I'm too passive/agressive right now to delete the other 350.

I've been complimented at least twice this month on my STRENGTH.

And The fact is, I'm a coward.

And I. HATE. COWARDICE.

I attended a Funeral today for Tirrell Felton.  He was in David's Unit in the Army Reserves 12 years ago.  They were deployed to Colorado together.  And I will NEVER forget his showing up to move us out of our apartment. And I'll never forget how he just packed up our room and shipped it out.

We then attended a marriage retreat a year later with him and his wife.

He made enough of an impact that last spring I saw him in a parking lot after not seeing him for 11 years, and Knew him immediately. David had stayed connected.  I however had not.  But I'm fortunate to have remedied that immediately.  I've interacted a bit with him since then, and was SHOCKED to hear of his sudden death last week.

And something clicked inside me.  And when I went to pick up the kids from my Mom, I refused to take any more of her TERRIBLY abusive lack of parenting.

That thing inside of me that clicked has been turning for a week or so, and I'm learning what it means.

And it's one more piece in the puzzle of my life.  Like the Empath and Autism revelations.

And this piece tells me that I was placed here to be a FORCE to be reckoned with.

NOT to back down.  NOT to cower.  Because My Children NEED a STRONG force of a Mother.  NOT to abuse them.  But to teach them and stand up for them.

Weekly update #1

David found several Halliburton job listings is Kuwait, and Indonesia.  He is quite qualified for all.  We'll see.

We have 3 sweet new baby chicks.  Raven is a Jersey Black Giant, Thunder is a Rhode Island Red, and Honey is an Easter Egger (Americana).  Honey is the youngest, and easiest to pick up.  Raven is the biggest, and freaks out the most when I try to pick her up.

Jacob got Chicken Pox from my mom :-(  (She has shingles)  Right or wrong, we rushed the girls all in to be vaccinated IMMEDIATELY.  We'll see if it helps.

I spoke with a National Guard recruiter yesterday.  National Guard cannot guarantee DS School.  Looks like that is not the route to go.  He said Reserves has a whole unit devoted to DS.  So, looks like that is the next step.

My heart is full

Today as I sit in a sacrament meeting that it's not my home ward, I feel so filled. I'm so grateful for a quiet moment to feel thoughts that I can't when things are loud.

Sometimes I feel so superior. Sometimes I feel so inferior. I am grateful at moments like this to know that I'm equal. If My Father listens to one, he listens to all. I just pray that I can rise up to MY full stature.
Not above anyone else.
I feel so blessed to know at this moment that have all I need. There are no blessings missing from my life at this moment in time. And THAT is what matters. Not tomorrow. Not yesterday.
I have a good Husband. Beautiful children. Our sweet pets. Our lovely home. I have the  truth. I have completed all of the ordinances required of me to be with My Family forever.
TODAY, my life is as full as ANYONE could want.

Getting back in the groove

I've had a hard time putting my thoughts down lately.

I've got the thoughts. But not the patience to get them out and in words.

And then, last night, I had the most terrible night.

Somewhere in my head, I got the idea that if I closed my eyes, I would not wake up.  That going to sleep meant saying "Goodbye" to my BEAUTIFUL Family.

And that, I could not bear.  So I DIDN'T close my eyes.  And I DIDN'T sleep.  Which only made things worse.  Because then, it turned into a stress induced psychosis.

But a couple of WONDERFUL things came out of it.

1)  I had that opportunity which many people miss to say the things I would say if I would never see my Babies and my Husband again.  All of those things I NEEDED them to know, are now on paper.

2)  I look at life COMPLETELY different now.  The HARDEST day is better than not being here.  And it makes me love and cuddle more, and yell and pick less.

I am so grateful for a night where I got to live like I was dying.

And so grateful to be here to live the life I would have missed!

He Hears Me! and Now What?!

I turned to my Father in Heaven today to learn what He wants from me .  And the answers flooded in. 

"God has always asked His covenant children to do difficult things. Because you are covenant-keeping sons and daughters of God, living in the latter part of these latter days, the Lord will ask you to do difficult things. You can count on it—Abrahamic tests did not stop with Abraham.<sup>4"

This Talk by President Russell M. Nelson</sup>
Was EVERYTHING I needed today.....or so I thought.

But then the lessons kept coming.

THIS post by one of my friends:

"Throughout time there are those who exercise faith in God, and those who doubt. This has been mirrored and echoed through time, and our history holds so very much that we can glean as we consider these stories.

There is an account in the Book of Mormon of a man named Korihor. He opposed the church of Jesus Christ, and flattered many people away. Ultimately his efforts ended with a confrontation with a prophet of God, a man named Alma.

I can almost hear, as I visualize, the biting hate-filled words rolling off Korihor's tongue as he disputed with Alma concerning the coming of Christ, and Gods existence. He accused Alma of leading "away this people after the foolish traditions of (his) fathers, and according to (his) own desires." And, Korihor said that Alma did "keep them down, even as it were in bondage, that (he) may glut (himself) with the labors of their hands, that they durst not look up with boldness, and that they durst not enjoy their rights and privileges."

Alma's response was recorded as follows: "Thou knowest that we do not glut ourselves upon the labors of this people; for behold I have labored even from the commencement of the reign of the judges until now, with mine own hands for my support, notwithstanding my many travels round about the land to declare the word of God unto my people."

"And notwithstanding the many labors which I have performed in the church, I have never received so much as even one senine for my labor..."

"And now, if we do not receive anything for our labors in the church, what doth it profit us to labor in the church save it were to declare the truth, that we may have rejoicings in the joy of our brethren?" (Alma 30:32-34)

I can picture the look on Alma's face, and feel the love that he had in his heart, because he knew Korihor was one of God's sons. He knew that Christ has come to save all mankind, both the wicked and the righteous, if they would look to Him and live.

There is so much we can gain from the scriptures, more than what is even said in words.

After this confrontation God took from Korihor his ability to speak, and Korihor confessed his deceptions, and admitted that he knew it was the power of God that had caused his tongue to be bound. Sadly, Korihor went on to lead out the remainder of his days going door to door begging for food, unable to speak the sufferings he now faced.

As part of these marvelous verses, there is a sermon between the lines in what happened next. Korihor visited a city full of extreemly prideful people named the Zoramites, and was trampled on, until he died. A terrible and tragic end. These people were so proud of their status and riches that they cast out the poor, and had even killed this man. The sermon between the lines is this; Alma visited these Zoramites next, to preach the gospel, and I believe the reason why was his compassion for Korihor.

I find this significant not because the text states this, but because of what the spirit teaches me in my heart. What I am taught is that Alma truly did care about Korihor. I know in my heart that he went to the city of the Zoramites because of what happened to Korihor, and because he was heart-broken over the death of Korihor. Although that man sought to destroy the church, and reviled against God, even to the point of being 'stuck dumb' by God in consequence of his actions, even though all this was done, this prophet of God cared for this man.

Nowhere in the scriptures does it come out and say what I've expressed to be my belief. But they do teach us to love all men, turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, pray for our enemies, and do good to those that despite-fully use us. In these lessons I'm taught about the character of a man who lived thousands of years ago. A man who saw God, and went on to teach his truths.This prophet of God, Alma.

In our minds, we can visualize the events of history, the lessons that happened so long ago, and in those moments we invite the spirit of our God to teach us things that lie between the lines. These lessons, learned by the spirit can shape who we are, who we become, and tailor our highest hopes.

I'm grateful for the wonderful passages of scripture that teach me to become a man, just a little bit more like Christ."

Confirmed,  after watching and reading about several martyrs throughout tune for God's glory,  that standing as a witness is CRUCIAL to the question of "What does  God....my FATHER want from me? "

Gifts of the Spirit

I feel very grateful,  blessed and close to the Spirit today.

These past few days of being back to school have been crazy to say the least. People seem to have lost their brains COMPLETELY. But WE as a family seem to have reset with 2 weeks off.  I've been more patient.  I think more kind too. I've had more energy,  and gotten mute done.

This morning,  Elysia says "it's yucky out there.  We need to leave SOON. And despite actually taking time to hold Bella and be patient with Jacob going potty (you'll RARELY hear me say "it's o.k.,  we have time), we got out ahead of schedule.

And I felt so much gratitude as i drive home....heeding the feeling to avoid big areas of traffic as I had going to school this morning.

But let me tell you: The closer to the Spirit you are,  the more you feel!  And you feel EVERYTHING.  Including sadness for a world that holds very little hope these days.

And the whisper came "That's a big reason why people distance themselves from the spirit. It's too much to take in for most anymore. "

People want the safety and numbness of NOT feeling too much.  Not having too much intimacy. Not having too much DEEP DOWN joy.  Because it brings responsibility.  It brings sadness WITH the joy. It opens one up to pain and disappointment.

But a long with missing pain and disappointment,  they are missing SO MUCH MORE!

"It is better for us to  know pain,  that we may know JOY. "

And have a CLOSE relationship with Our Father who loves us DEEPLY,  and even Painfully.

Entitlement

I post about this alot.  Because it DRIVES. ME. C R A Z Y!!!

I've been frustrated often, but also VERY blessed to have had to WORK for everything.

I take advantage of Veterans Day perks because I gave 5 years of my life to the military, served honorably and left with an honorable discharge.

I bask in Mother's Day accolades because I have had 6 little humans that I created come out of my nether regions, and I have nurtured them for weeks, months, and years.

I dictate who comes into my home and how they behave in my home because in a joint effort with My Husband, I pay the bills, keep the home, and clean it.

And it's going to happen.  This Mother's Day, my BIL's girlfriend is going to be applauded for being the mother to 2 cats in the EXACT same sentence as I'm going to be acknowledged for having 5 kids.....Not 6 kids, 2 cats, and 5 chickens.

It's FINE to have the best.  IF you earned it. But don't EVER expect to have the best because your cousin does, and they should share.

If I am not happy with small, or used, that's my prerogative.  As long as I am willing to make the sacrifices necessary to have better.

Adalaide Joy

I don't know if everyone knows this fact or not, but I am desperate to have a Baby Girl born in September named Adalaide Joy.

We are on pretty much our final approach for September 2016 unless she is premature (Which obviously, is never ideal).

The idea HIT me so strong around August, and yet, for the first time EVER, pregnancy hasn't been immediate after the notion arrived.

And I have cried.  It doesn't help that I'm still VERY emotional this holiday season from losing My Joey.

SO, needless to say, when someone has a baby, I Blubber.  When I watch a movie, I Blubber. When someone mentions anything about "Joy" or heartache, I B L U B B E R!!!!

Then, as I'm browsing yesterday, an article about vintage baby names that are gaining popularity comes up, with ADALAIDE as #1.

Boy did that get me worked up.

**Sigh**

It's just a day

This topic has been rolling around on my head for a couple of weeks now.  It's a point Marianne made right before Christmas, when I announced that we were not going to celebrate Christmas as usual this year.  And we didn't.  And it has been amazing.

You could call it our "5 Days of Christmas"

Day 1:  December 24th, Christmas Eve.  We had breakfast at the Fisher's, Afternoon visit with the Peterson's, Evening visit with the Roses (Dan and Rachel), and dinner with the Johnsons (Shaun and Becca).
 
Day 2: December 25th, Christmas Day.  We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and then the children went down stairs and opened their stockings.  We just existed throughout the day.  NEVER left the house (except for chicken care) And just enjoyed being snowed in.

Day 3: December 26th.  My Mom came for brunch.  We let the kids open extended family gifts.  And then just play with their toys.

Day 4:  December 31st, New Year's eve. Santa left bags of gifts outside everyone's room. Their "Main" gifts. They just enjoyed their gifts and being together.

Day 5: January 1st, New Year's Day.  Early bowling, and lunch at Leatherby's.

A good way to ring out the old, and Bring in the new.

Those first 3 were SO important for a chance to celebrate with Family and Friends.  Christmas Day was cold and SNOWY.  We seriously had to have gotten 12 inches of snow between dinner time Christmas Eve and Christmas Night.  And the Men of our ward shoveled twice that day for us. It is just a day on the calendar.  But THAT was the day that shoveling for us meant the most.  Because that's the day they most wanted to be home, tucked in warm with THEIR families.

And the last 2 were when we got to be together as a Family.

It was nice to celebrate over the course of a week.  Rather than smash EVERYTHING into 24 hours.

I'd like to continue to do things more like this year.

Our sacrifice for the lifestyle we have is that David cannot always be home with us on the EXACT day that marks celebration.  He misses birthdays, holidays, celebrations, etc.

And that's when it's crucial to realize we can celebrate ANY day we choose.